


The Five Stages of Acceptance

by UselessSakura



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Angst, Depressing Thoughts, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Sad Ending, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 18:32:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19836103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UselessSakura/pseuds/UselessSakura
Summary: In the dead of night, Church wonders how everything went wrong.





	The Five Stages of Acceptance

Eventually, Church got tired of counting the pauses between Wash and Tucker’s snores, which got farther and farther apart. He had promised both Wash and himself a little while ago that he would shut down for the night. Due to the countless nights spent with a sleepless Carolina, his system was ready for a reboot. But there he was, denying Wash’s request, even though his data was in jumbles. 

Looking at the couple sleep(in a totally non-creepy way), he felt numb. To be fair, he always felt numb. Ever since he died, numb was his only feeling. And emptiness. The two were usually grouped together. But this time, those key feelings were heavier than usual. He supposed that it always felt worse when he saw the two of them together, laughing, smiling, just enjoying each other. 

No, he was far from being jealous of them - he knew that. Frankly, he was glad that Wash had found something to make him happy in his life, especially after enduring everything that he’d gone through. But it made him miss Tex. He remembered when she was the only thing that sparked joy in his life, too. She still was. 

No matter how hard Wash, or Carolina, or Tucker or Caboose pushed, - hell, even Grif - he never told them what went down in the Epsilon unit. It hurt his artificial brain to think about it. 

Sighing, Church blinked away imaginary tears, kicking a fake rock. “Well, this is fuckin’ great,” he mumbled to himself. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts, forget about Tex. Maybe he should power off. But something was gnawing at his brain. Well, a lot of things were gnawing at his brain. Some of which were probably Trojan viruses or whatever still existed. 

He missed the outside world. He missed a lot of things. Like the body that the Director had made him. He still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that the body he thought was actually human, that oozed human things and could only do human things, was actually some sort of robot-human hybrid. Or something like that. 

Now he was stuck wondering just how everything went wrong.

He couldn’t remember much from his past before being thrown into Sidewinder and then Blood Gulch and then wherever the hell he was now. It was like he woke from a dream, and his past was the dream already long forgotten. All he could remember was Tex- Her face, her strikingly blue eyes, and her smile. 

Maybe that’s when he started to realize that something was wrong with him. 

But he never knew that he was the Alpha, that all of his mushy memories were a lie, like Tex. Or, at least, the Tex he had known. The nightmares he used to have were real, though. Those confusing faces, the voices, and the torture. Of course, one of the biggest signs had to be his death. He knew it wasn’t normal, obviously, but he just went with it. Didn’t believe Wash, who was suspicious right from the beginning, when he came to the conclusion that he was Epsilon. He didn’t accept it out of stubbornness, but, in the back of his head, he had always known that something was wrong with him, or that he wasn’t truly what he thought he was. He just hadn’t wanted to admit it. 

Sometimes he finds himself wishing that he hadn’t met Wash and Carolina. Sometimes he finds himself wishing for his old life, which was full of arguing with a bunch of simulation troopers over a red flag and handing over annoying medics for robotic parts. Because, depressingly enough, he only ever knew of doing that. 

Stupid Project Freelancer. It always found a way to fuck everyone over. 

He did have to admit that without Project Freelancer, without the Director, without Tex; He would have been nothing. But he finds himself questioning if he had been a good idea or a bad idea. If him never even being so much as a thought would have somehow fixed everything in the fucked up world he was in now. And 97% of the time, he agreed with the previous statement. 

Sometimes he wishes that he could just erase himself, which was basically the equivalent of suicide, but for A.I.’s. He’d brought it up to Carolina on multiple occasions, but that always pissed her off. She was always telling him that he was the key for finding the director, which was true. It always hurt a little to be reminded that all he was good for was finding the creator of Project Freelancer and doing whatever Carolina wanted to do with him. There was no other need for him, no matter what anyone said otherwise. Maybe answering dumb questions for Caboose, but that was about it. 

Why did he have to get attached to a bunch of dumbasses?

He sighed once again and suddenly someone was saying his name.

“Church?” Church spun around. Wash was leaning on an elbow, staring at him worriedly. His glowing figure illuminated the man’s eyes. 

“Oh, hey Wash.” He responded casually, swinging his arms. 

Wash raised an eyebrow, gently removing Tucker’s arm slung around his waist so that he could sit up. “I thought I told you to power off for the night.” 

Church shrugged. “I thought that it was merely a suggestion. Plus, I’m fine. I could go my entire life-” he choked on the word a bit. “It’s not necessary to power off. I could go on forever like this and be perfectly dandy.”

“Church,” the mentioned man looked up at him. “I’ve worked with computers-” Church winced a little as Wash continued, “all of my life. I know this stuff.” 

“And I’m a fuckin’ A.I., dude. I’m like an electronic god.” 

Wash stared at him and Church sighed in defeat.

“Fine. I’ll do it. And not because you asked.” 

“See, I knew I could get you to do it.” Wash grinned in triumph. 

“Smartass.” Church grumbled, and when Wash chuckled softly, he found himself doing it, too.

When Wash was asleep again and Church was getting ready to power off, he sighed. 

He was going to miss Wash and everyone else.


End file.
